can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
