my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
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