You can't motorboat a personality
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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