I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
