alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
