Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Randomize
