I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
false alarm. still invincible.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
