Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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