It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
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