At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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