saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
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