Acid is not a monday night drug
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
