The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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