could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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