I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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