hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
