Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
We need to feng shui this bitch.
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