I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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