she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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