And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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