Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
