At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I smell like Dick and happiness
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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