There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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