You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
