My liver just broke up with me...
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
