my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
