masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize