i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
this is an emotional support booty call
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
