I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
