I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
