I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
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