It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Randomize
