Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize
