the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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