God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Randomize
