My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
