they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize