I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
