And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
last night I used snow as a chaser
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
