just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Randomize
