I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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