so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
