I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
