you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
