at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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