you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
