Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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