Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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