That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
