awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
