Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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