I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
