if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
