I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize