the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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